Being a mother is already a full-time work on its own, and being a working mom feels like her struggles and unique challenges has multiplied by many folds. With a huge increase in the cost of living and rising expectations of what parents feel they ought to provide for their children (private preschool, classes and tuition), dual-income families are on the rise. Unfortunately, we no longer have a village to raise our children and a working mother has a lot of things to get done and sometimes, things just drive her up the wall! If you are a working mum, you could totally relate to these!
#1 Office Work, House Work
One of the key areas of stress for a mom is the responsibility of house work, AFTER returning back from office work. Typically the person who is more worried about household chores will be the one putting in more effort to ensure that the household runs smoothly. Often, the wife is the one who places more emphasis on a clean home, laundry and therefore does more of the house work. Even when the husband helps out, the wife may still feel the stress of the overall responsibilities and load.
Tip:
An imperfect home is totally cool. Instead of trying to do all the housework in a day, think of spreading them throughout the week (and live with the “uncleanliness” for a day or two). Very likely, no one in your family notices how “dirty” the home is, or conversely, how clean it is!
#2 Meal Planner, Grocery Shopper and Chef
Eating out daily, instead of home-cooked meals, can be expensive and unhealthy. Cooking can be fun on a weekend, but it can take a toll to plan meals, prepare the ingredients and cook them on a daily basis. Enjoying a home-cooked meal as a family is a very satisfying family experience, yet some preparation is needed with no guarantee that every meal will go smoothly – a young child may be a picky eater or throw tantrum during dinner while last-minute dinner cancellation by family members can lead to disappointment.
Tip:
Plan meals weekly to eliminate the stress of doing so daily. Read some cookbooks to find fast-to-cook and healthy recipes. Explore cooking methods which allow you to multi-task, for instance, using the slow cooker or oven. Cut vegetables or marinate meat the night before to save preparation time the next day.
#3 Add Another Role: Part-time Teacher
This can really drive a working mother up the wall, especially if your child needs a lot of help in a certain subject. The primary school curriculum is developed with the expectation that parents are to help the child at home and apart from the PSLE, there are term tests that require preparation every year. Being a working mother means that there is limited time to do it all – it takes ‘super-human’ ability to fetch the child, prepare a home-cooked meal, help with school work and get ready for the next day! Of these duties, helping the child with school work is the hardest to rush – the child needs time to complete the homework and time to understand the concepts, such as mathematics and science.
Tip:
Instill in your child an attitude to take responsibility for his own school work; that way, you spent much less time getting his school bag ready or making sure work is done. Encourage your child to finish his work in school instead of bringing them home. Get your spouse to help with washing dishes while you help your child with the school work (or vice versa).
#4 Tantrum Manager
For working mothers of young children in their tantrum-throwing “terrible two” stage, it can be emotionally draining to come back home to tantrums. This is especially when all you want to do is get the young child to bed but yet, stuck at the stage of getting him to eat his dinner or clean up his toys (and the bedtime routine hasn’t even started).
Tip:
Set clear boundaries and agree with your spouse and other family members in the same household to be consistent in enforcing the boundaries. Do not fall into the trap of letting meal time be battle time. Your responsibility as a mother is to put healthy food on the table and not force feed the child. Pick your battles wisely.
#5 Poor Quality Sleep
If only the child really sleeps like a baby. It is quite common that a child will want to snuggle with the parents or need help in the middle of the night. If this happens often through the night, it will make even the best of us cranky and irritated. Both adult and children need good sleep and poor sleep has been linked with many health conditions such as depression, premature aging and obesity. Poor sleep can affect the mother’s concentration and performance at her workplace.
Tip:
Some couples choose to sleep in the same room as the child so that they can help the young child more quickly at night. Others choose co-sleeping while yet others are insistent not to sleep in the same room as their child. There is no right answer to this, except the one that works for your family. Also consider health conditions – such as eczema, allergies or night tremors that may be waking up your child often.
#6 The Bedtime Routine that Never Ends
There are even storybooks written on this one – children needs bedtime routine to help them settle down and get read for bed. Yet children like to prolong the bedtime routine by asking for another story, another snack or drink (which is then followed by going to toilet and requesting for yet another story to be read!). It can be exasperating for the working mother who is so tired and wants to go off to bed (or continue with all the housework or office work) to put up with a long bedtime routine. Yet it is tricky to handle bedtime routine – scolding the child or losing it so close to bedtime is not ideal, especially when the point of a bedtime routine is to wind down and quieten for sleep.
Tip:
Make it very clear that all lights are off by a certain time, no matter what. Sometimes for a working mother, you may feel like it is alright to spend more time with your child and cut your child slack when he intentionally delays bedtime. You may then want to skip some of the chores you’d normally do before bedtime (for instance, cook a simpler meal and resist cleaning the house) so that there is more time with your child.
#7 Too Often Home “Emergencies”
All working parents have to take “emergency” leave at one time or another – to take care of a child who is sick or hurt. However, as the name suggests, emergency leave should not become something regular. If the child falls into the habit of refusing to go to school or childcare, or requesting to go home because he feels sick, it can really affect the job and career of the working mother.
Tip:
Find out the cause of these “emergencies”. It may be bullying or poor relationship with teachers or friends in the preschool or primary school. Note any pattern – it may be a certain day of the week when there is a particular class or activity at the school. Do not let your child skip school as and when he feels like it – preschoolers should be expected to go to school daily so that the same attitude carries to primary school.
#8 Coworkers Displeasure
Let’s face it – no one will be thrilled with covering your work last minute or having to change meetings to accommodate your family matters. Even for working mothers who have the support of their superiors to work from home a few days per week, coworkers can be displeased with the ‘special’ arrangement. Working with colleagues who are not happy can be emotionally draining at the workplace.
Tip:
Put your emotional intelligence to work (at work!). You can let your colleagues know the struggles that you’re facing and more importantly, how work-from-home arrangement will not affect them. Make effort to build relationship with your colleagues – treats during coffee break or offer to stock up the office pantry with your home-baked cookies. This is especially if you are affected by what your colleagues feel about you.
#9 Office Work at Home
You already know how little time you have at home, after office hours. It is even harder if you have to do all that you have to do at home for your family and office work. If you have a baby or young child, he will need you for his basic needs like food, milk, shower and putting to bed. The multi-tasking between childcare and work can reduce your productivity and increase your frustration!
Tip:
On days like that, you may have to choose to return home late (and finish work in the office). Get your spouse or parents to help out, for instance your parents can cook the meal for your child or husband bottle-feed your baby. Lower your expectations on what needs to be done – do not expect other family members to do things your way. If you have to get home on-time, work towards an earlier bedtime so that you can finish your office work and still have enough sleep. If the office work can be delegated, do so!
#10 Having to Do It All
Some working mothers feel burdened that they have to do it all – work and taking care of the home, the spouse, the parents and the children! Duties ranging from daily washing to planning birthday celebrations may have always been handled by you but there is no need to keep it that way. Sometimes having to plan your mother-in-law’s birthday dinner may completely drive you nuts when you are facing a busy schedule at work and at home.
Tip:
Your spouse is also called your partner for a reason – involve him in the process without being calculative; the duties need not be split equally but instead split according to each person’s strengths or what would fit better into each other’s schedule. You may want to drop certain commitments, for instance, asking your sister-in-law to help plan one parent’s birthday while you plan the other.
#11 Parenting Differences
First-time parents may find yourself navigating on how to parent your child. Even toddlers know when mom and dad don’t agree on how to parent! Often, on a stressful work day, such parenting differences can easily escalate to quarrels and make the family environment unbearably tense.
Tip:
Work on your marriage and on the communication with your spouse. Sometimes we get too caught up with parenting that we neglect the marriage. It is more likely to be able to work out parenting differences when your marriage and communication is strong. Also make sure that your child is attending quality childcare, one that is imparting not only knowledge but also virtues to your child.
#12 Getting Fat and Sick
So you work during office hours and come back home to more “home” work. Where does that leave you time for self-care? Sometimes you may short-fused when seeing yourself get more out of shape or fall sick more frequently. It gets increasingly hard to care for your family or to do so cheerfully.
Tip:
Self-care is priority, you owe that to yourself. Eat well for all your meals and do not over-indulge in treats or sweetened drinks. If you are already making home-cooked meals daily, cook the foods that you like to eat with high nutrition value (and low calories!). Exercise – do so either early in the morning before your family wakes up, during lunch hours or after work. You may think that self-care is taking time away from your work and family but it actually improves your mood and productivity, making your life and those around you much better.
You are looking for some me-time but the onstantly doing something for others. Or you have already made arrangement for alternative childcare but the babysitter cancelled at the last minute. Sometimes the anticipation of “me-time” and not getting it can really drive you up the wall.
Tip:
Schedule more frequent and smaller nuggets of me-time instead of overly focused on a special “me-time”. You can schedule time for yourself at work, or cut yourself some slack and let your child watch TV for thirty minutes. Say no to engagements that drain you emotionally.
A working mother faces time pressure as more responsibilities are squeezed into the limited after-work hours. It is important to self-care, rethink your priorities and expectations. Be realistic and prioritize your time around what is important to you.
Written by Mei
