When you get married, your extended family has indeed extended – to include your in-laws, as well as family members of your spouse. Relationships with in-laws are not always easy, as there may be bias and differences in many areas in relation to parenting, the ideal number of children you should have, marriage or even household chores! Living with in-laws certainly makes the relationship more challenging, as the daily interactions and close proximity under one roof can exacerbate unresolved conflicts.
Here are ten basic rules for dealing with in-laws!
#1 Unity with your Spouse
The first rule has to do with your relationship with your spouse, not his or her parents. You should be able to share your feelings with your spouse openly, and if there are conflicts or issues to tackle, to decide on the course of action as a couple first. Talk to your spouse and not to someone else (or everyone else!) in the family – that’s rude and disrespectful.
#2 Build a Relationship with your in-laws
Well, your in-laws didn’t know you from birth so exercise your diplomacy and emotional intelligence as you would to a new colleague or friend. You can buy small gifts, arrange for meals with them and engage in small talks. Put on a smile – remember your in-laws are not your parents, they don’t take well to a grumpy face even if it’s after a hard day’s work. Many issues will need to be communicated, including on childcare arrangements or caring for your in-laws in areas where they need help, for instance heavy grocery or doctor consultations. A sound relationship forms the foundation for such issues to be handled in the future.
#3 Establish Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is especially important when you are living with your in-laws – for instance, after a certain time, it is your private time with your kids, and with your spouse. Money matters with your in-laws may be more appropriately handled by your spouse.
#4 Prioritize Parenting Rules
One area that often creates conflicts is parenting – for instance, is junk food and ice cream allowed? How much screen time should be given to your kids? Is spanking allowed? Must homework be completed before play time? Are vegetables a must for each meal? Given that there are so many areas of parenting, your spouse and you should prioritize them and speak to your in-laws on the ones that are important.
#5 Share Responsibilities
Everyone under one roof should share some responsibilities and you have to recognize the contribution of your in-laws. While responsibilities may not have been written in black and white or drawn on the corporate whiteboard, there is likely to have some understanding of how each person contributes. For instance, your in-laws are at home with your children when you’re at work. Or your in-laws make themselves available at home during the online grocery delivery time slot. They may cook during weekdays, while you cook on weekends or bring them out for meals. It is important to establish early on what you expect of each other, so as to reduce misunderstandings, resentment and conflicts in future.
#6 Explaining, before Criticizing
If something that your in-laws do are not what you think ought to be, it is important not to jump into conclusion that they have conspired to go against your wish. Unless your in-laws are sociopaths, it is unlikely that they spend their time thinking of ways to do the very things that you do not like. Instead, be open to the (simple) possibility that there is a misunderstanding or miscommunication and explain in a non-confrontational manner of why you prefer certain things to be done differently. Of course, these should be matters that relate to you, for instance, limiting your child’s screen time and expecting certain respectful behaviors from your child. (If it is over how bad your in-law’s cooking is, just eat less or excuse yourself from dinners on some days!).
#7 Accept the Differences
Just as your spouse is not going to change overnight (or at all!), your in-laws are also not going to turn into the perfect parents for you, or grandparents for your kids. There will be differences – learn to see the good side and strengths of your in-laws, and appreciate them.
#8 Never Raise your Voice
Your in-laws should be respected – even if you do not agree with them, they have raised your spouse and that’s one solid reason for showing your respect. At the same time, your child is also watching how you interact with your in-laws, be mindful that you are a role model to them in how they ought to you in the future. Do not raise your voice at your in-laws, criticize them or speak badly about them to others.
#9 It may hurt or matter less than you think
Sometimes our mind may have overblown certain matters; for instance, your in-law may remark that you have put on weight lately, and that doesn’t mean he or she is saying that you are fat and ugly. There are bound to be times when certain remarks don’t sound nice, but it may not be intentionally mean. There are many reasons for certain remarks, for instance, trying to engage you in a conversation or showing care but being awkward about it, and you can always choose not to take these remarks personally.
#10 Stay Calm
It is important to stay calm during conflicts – do not scowl at your in-laws, scold profanity, shout at them or throw things. Actions done in a fit of anger can lead to resentment which will surface over small matters in future.
What if your in-law is a real “monster-in-law”? It may be that despite your best intentions and diplomacy, your in-laws seem to be intentionally making things unpleasant for you.
Here are four common areas of conflict and how to resolve them!
#1 Invasion of Privacy
You may live near or with your in-laws and they keep on visiting unannounced or knock on your bedroom door in the middle of the night. If your in-laws like to visit unannounced with the reason to see how your baby is doing, you can let them know that it wouldn’t fit with your baby’s nap schedule and request that they visit at set times every week. Likely, they wouldn’t want to commit to weekly babysitting and would back off. If they disturb you at night, it is important to let them know that they shouldn’t do that unless it is an emergency (or you can try checking on them to see if they need anything before you go to bed!).
#2 Indulging your Child
They may pamper your child more, in the hope of being more well-liked by your child compared to your parents. If it is impossible to stop them from pampering your child, you may want to tell your child to keep the gifts until there is an occasion or when he/she deserves a reward. Decide early on which parenting battles you want to have with your in-laws, as certain battles are not worth fighting. However, if they clearly show favoritism to one of your children, or abuse one of them and pamper the other, you should be firm about it.
#3 High Dependency
If your in-laws are dependent on you in areas that are unreasonable, for instance, relying on you to buy groceries that are light and can easily be purchased at the grocery store within five minutes’ walk, you would want to let them know it’s not appropriate. If you do not want to confront them about it, you can be proactive and set fixed times to help them instead of being obligated to help as and when.
#4 Complaints
If your in-laws have a tendency to complain, you can choose which ones you want to pay attention to. If there is no justification for the complaints, you can decide not to act or respond. You ought to bear in mind not to complain – not of your in-laws, your spouse, your children or anyone in the family.
It is not easy to live harmoniously under one roof – the lack of personal space especially in a small apartment can certainly make it harder. Other than the ten rules for dealing with your in-laws,
Here are five additional tips for living in harmony with your family!
#1 Do things that everyone likes
It is preferable to choose an activity, or a venue that allows for everyone to do things that they enjoy. For instance, while your in-laws may enjoy a long buffet dinner, your child can be prone to tantrums during long family dinners. Choose a venue that has a playground for kids, or a hotel buffet that also offers kids’ activities.
#2 Include your in-laws in significant events
It is good to include your parents and your in-laws in significant events, for instance, your preschooler’s graduation concert. It doesn’t hurt to buy extra tickets and it is a gesture that the elderly will appreciate.
#3 Don’t be competitive
Things may get competitive under one roof, for example, your in-laws may be doing things in the hope that your child will love them more. Don’t start competing with them and say things to discredit them, or try to up your game. Your child is likely not see it as a competition, unless you make it into a competition!
#4 Don’t be calculative
Don’t start calculating who is contributing more to the family – whether in terms of money, effort, housework or helping your child with homework. Everyone contributes differently, and that is good enough.
#5 Respect and consideration
Show respect and consideration at all times. A lot of the conflicts can be due to lack of consideration for the other party, thus you should set the tone for the family by being considerate and modeling that for your child.
While it is not easy to live with your in-laws, don’t start the relationship with a closed mind that it would be a living hell. Be open, considerate and respectful, and always be united with your spouse.
