In Singapore, the average number of marriage years for divorce couples is about 10 years; this could mean that the problems that married couples face happen over the years – when there are children, and when they have spent years in a marriage. What are the possible marriage problems? Can a marriage be saved?
Here are ten common problems in today’s marriage and tips to stay married!
#1 Leading Parallel Lives
This means that couples are leading their own lives, even though they are staying together. The spouse becomes a roommate, with little communication, intimacy and common goals. Time spent together is reduced and time spent in physical presence of each other is spent doing own stuff. This leads to weakened bond, disconnection and opens the possibility that one spouse may start to find a soulmate outside of marriage or feel that there is little point in staying married.
#2 Parenting becomes Priority
With the demands of school work or juggling office work, house work and kids, parenting sometimes becomes a priority over the marriage. Ensuring that the child does well academically, excel in co-curricular activities may take precedence over the work required to keep a marriage. This is ironic because the child needs the parents to have a strong marriage, more than the activities and classes that he is enrolled in.
#3 Removing Intimacy from Relationship
This varies from couple to couple – some require to be touched and physically intimate to feel loved while others prefer acts of service or gifts. It is important to find out the level of physical intimacy, including sex, that your spouse requires. Physical intimacy is not just sex either, touching and holding hands can make one feel loved.
#4 Differences in Parenting
There are different parenting styles – permissive, authoritarian and authoritative. Some parents are more particular about academic performance, others over moral education and not everyone is on the same page on the expected conduct of a child. Time should be set aside to agree on the parenting style and expectations from the child. If left unspoken, seemingly minor differences when parenting a child can quickly turn into a heated argument.
#5 Unrealistic Marriage Expectations
Unrealistic expectations on the person you marry (who he/she should be or should do) and on the marriage (what it should be or feel like) can strain a marriage. These are difficult to discuss upfront as one may not even know he/she holds such expectations. It is important though to remind yourself that marriage is for life and will not always feel like courtship or honeymoon.
#6 Negativity
Negativity is a common reason for unhappy marriage and it can come from many sources, such as (i) being unhappy with your own career/ life and somehow, blaming your spouse for it, or (ii) feeling that your spouse can do better in parenting or in supporting you, or (iii) not addressing problems but instead letting resentment and anger snowball. Negativity can be expressed in many negative ways, all of which are bad for marriage, such as nagging, threatening, throwing tantrums, bribing and coercing.
#7 Laziness
Sometimes we get comfortable in a marriage and forgets that it takes work. Effort to show gratitude, appreciation, be polite and loving, and be supportive. Just because you’re married to the person for many years does not mean that the person stops being a human being – being harsh, ordering the spouse to do work does not help the marriage.
#8 Outsiders
When one starts to confide in parents, friends and bring them into the marriage to talk to the spouse, things get complicated and easily turn ugly. Every couple is unique and one couple that seems to have it all together does not mean that they can resolve your marriage problems.
#9 No Space
Yes, we talk about not leading parallel lives but living life 100% for each other and expecting everything that is done to be for each other is draining. Men and women need space in different ways – give each other “time-out”, you’d be amazed at how much a spouse appreciate “silent reading” time or another appreciate “coffee time”!
#10 Finances
Finances is another problem area in marriage – not so much about not having enough money, but about how to manage money. Spending on discretionary items, saving for child’s education and retirement have to be discussed. The amount of debt to take on and the risk level of investments also have to be agreed.
Discovering that your spouse is abusive or unfaithful are major reasons for divorce. More common though is the communication breakdown that causes one to feel like the spouse is lost and seems like a stranger. Here are 5 tips to save the marriage!
#1 Reconnect with Each Other, Positively
Plan date nights, set aside time for each other and improve communication – and make it positive. Avoid trying to resolve all problems by talking, instead try loving more first. After all, it’s common sense that the talk will not end well with someone who you feel negative about.
#2 Increase Intimacy
It’s hard to be angry or distant with someone who you are physically intimate with. Hold hands, consciously make an effort to adopt a supportive tone and body language (Yes, it takes work!).
#3 Resolve Conflicts Skillfully
You exercise your emotional intelligence at office, right? You don’t approach your boss with a problem when he is already agitated over another problem. You don’t criticize your colleague when he/she already knows the job is screwed up. Same thing for your spouse, and think of it this way – why should you treat your spouse worse than you treat your co-worker? While conflicts have to be addressed, such as differences in parenting and finance management, do so at the right time, constructively and be smart about it!
#4 Self-Care
Don’t resent your spouse for taking your life away – making you poor, dragging you down the career ladder or making you fat. You are still responsible for your life and don’t take self-care away from yourself – make time for exercise, for rest, for sleep, for healthy eating and for connecting with friends/ nature/ whatever you love doing!
#5 Patience and Love
Be patient – whatever problems you have in a marriage takes time to resolve (it took time for these problems to build up!). Don’t hold grudges – from the time that you decide to improve your marriage and be the best spouse you can be, forgive the wrongs that you think your spouse have done to you.
Remember why you got married and commit to working it out. Don’t take the ‘easy’ way out and quit the marriage – divorce will not be easy and children will be affected. Problems may repeat themselves with another spouse and working a marriage out will turn out for the better.
